IN THE MUCK

You never stand so tall as when you stoop to help a child.

So why do I feel as though I have been groveling in the mud?

A couple of weeks ago I experienced a humiliation so rich and deep that it's taken me this long to show my head.

Why not write about other stuff?  Why not just never mention it?

One can control pretty well what you reveal on a blog.  But that doesn't work for me, because this blog is all about being honest, and sharing things that I might not be able to share with people I know from church or whatever. I admit, there are huge bits I've failed to tell you - but only for lack of time.  Not to hide anything.  Not anything that is reflective of who I am, who I appear to others, what matters to me.


That little quote at the top is part of the "signature" on our Russian teacher's e-mail - well, hers and her husband's.  A couple of weeks ago I got an e-mail from them, for all intents and purposes telling me that my family was not welcome at the fundraiser they were giving for a family in their church.

This family is going to adopt Oleg.   I am so, so happy for him and them.  I'm glad to have sewn a stitch or two in that beautiful tapestry.  But, whenever I think of it, I expect I'll always feel a sinking shame due to this subsequent event.  Perhaps it is good for me to experience shame, as Anastasia feels so much of it.



So, what precipitated this? At the last "Russian Culture" event, Yolka (the Christmas party) all the boys planned to come.  But Sergei was bringing his girlfriend as well, and though Rebecca got as far as our house, she got ill at the last minute and Sergei had to stay with her.  Ilya and Zhenya came, but in the end, without Sergei there to give him strength, Ilya couldn't bring himself to enter the hall.  Zhen was too shy (and loyal) to come in without Ilya.....so they sat in the vestibule.  I kept going out to encourage them, but whenever I went out there, Ilya just sat there and wouldn't budge.  Obviously it looked anti-social and defiant. But it isn't. Ilya has such a desire to go places,but sometimes a fear just freezes him at the last minute.  He is almost agoraphobic.  I did everything I could to get them to come in and eat, at least.  But the room full of people was too much for him.  Nothing could move Ilya, and Zhen was not coming in alone.  If I hadn't brought Anastasia, with her friend, I would have just put them all in the car and left.  But I was stuck.

I didn't realize this, but at some point Ilya must have smoked. I cannot really believe he smoked in the building, but perhaps outside....and there was probably no facility for it.  The Russian teacher's husband suggested that he smoked all night and made a big mess. But I have a hard time believing that because every time I stepped out to check on them (frequently) - there he sat.  Among all those Russian men, I wouldn't be surprised if a few went out to smoke.  Apparently, there was some mess somewhere - and Ilya may have made at least part it.  Or, even all of it. 

Result: they did not want my "boys" at last night's event. Moreover - they "didn't need" anyone to see Anastasia being rude to adults.

They weren't referring to any behavior of hers at the Yolka, where she was very appropriate but they did see her behave badly at the park when we had Russian School picnics this summer. I won't deny it.  In fact, I  described it here.  And, looking back at that post, I can see that no one responded much, so perhaps that is because all of you recoiled in horror at her behavior as well.

I understand completely why these people don't want my children at their fundraiser. I do. They want only appealing, well-behaved and talented Russian children. Of course!  And maybe that is why I feel so absolutely low about it all. 

My beloved children and are I socially unacceptable.
I am pretty sure they blame me, or the directive would have been delivered with a little bit of sorrow and compassion.

I cannot begin to tell you how humiliating and painful it is.  And, I feel so, so sorry for Zhenya and Sergei who are the loveliest people, the most well-behaved children, and are yet tarred with the same brush. 

If I could feel "wronged" it would be different.  But, I can't.  They weren't wronging me. They called it as they see it. If I didn't know the truth of the situation - I'd agree with them!  If all I had to go on was appearance,  I'd think that Mrs. Kitching was a pretty poor mother and her kids would have been better off in Russia!


You don't necessarily stand tall when you stoop to help a child.  You sometimes get dragged right down into the dirt, if the child's problems are stronger than your ability to help them.

Oh, I am still hopeful.  New counselor, new plan and all.

But for now I feel sad - both because I've lost this group of in-real-life friends and maybe more because I have a new vision of how I appear to people. 

I can't fathom facing this group again, the adoptive parents with healthy children.  I'll just slink away in shame.  I felt like doing that here as well.  Somehow I guess it is only fair and honest to let you all know that the people who know me and my children in person, wish they didn't.