We so often tend to presume that people experience things more or less the way we do. That rules the way we communicate with them. I'm sure we've all been in a situation where we found ourselves talking at cross purposes with someone, because either they - or we - knew something the other didn't.
We also presume that we are communicating clearly with our radishes when, actually, we might be missing out on something huge - their whole point of view.
This was illustrated so powerfully at the conference - just one of those things I know I'll never forget. Dan played a scene on DVD twice....the scene was of a walk down a hillside to the beach, and then looking out onto some rocks jutting from the water. In the first trip through, the background music was Pachabel's canon - peaceful, serene, beautiful. In the second version, the music was the ominous music from Jaws.. To begin with, the Jaws music almost requires the listener to tense up. And amusingly, it literally impacted my thinking. Though the visual looked the same initially, I fully expected that a different version of the scene would unfold....someone would appar from behind the trees....there would be a dead body on the beach...that sort of thing. This, simply because the music was different. The music gave us our cue about what to expect. Our expectations changed the experience. I would also have been willing to bet money on the trees in the second version being darker and the rocks at the end taller and more jutting. Really. So much so that if I had the DVD, I'd be compelled to actually compare them to see maybe if there wasn't a bit of hanky-panky with the footage. (There wasn't, obviously, but it is hard to believe.) My expectations colored what I saw with my eyes.
What this illustrated so perfectly is how a situation can seem perfectly safe and charming from our point of view, and yet appear full of peril from our child's point of view. We have to remember, that while for us Pachabel's Canon may be playing - they are expecting evil behind every tree, they are tensed for trouble, ready to protect themselves. That can apply to individual sitatuations, of course, but also their entire situation. For us adopting them is a dream come true - a lovely, sweet pastoral. For them, it might well be the next chapter in their personal horror story.
Boy, it is hard to remember that! If ever there has been a person who didn't expect trouble, or anything bad to happen it is me. I never met a person I didn't like, I never suspect anyone's motives, I trust what I'm told, etc. So, I do have trouble understanding the person who is wary, hesitant, suspicious.
Getting this stuff right is SO difficult! But, one thing I have noticed, is that if I get a certain situation off on th wrong foot, if I "get a grip", I can usually change my approach and pull it out somehow. Not always. And sometimes I don't even remember to try - I'm all in the moment. For example, last night, when Anastasia was out on the street in a crappy part of town, at 9:30 at night - I didn't think of therapeutic parenting for one second. Totally forgot about it. Instead I tried the typical stuff (well, darn it! I was in the car on the street!). The typical stuff didn't work.
At least she is open enough with me, to have called me as she was walking and told me that someone had texted her and told her she was "annoying" and a "slut", and she revealed that if guys started liking her she couldn't keep herself from hitting them. (Well, yes; that does sound annoying!)
Oh, boy. Got me some work to do. I wonder what music is playing behind her scene, while I listen to "The Good Ship Lollypop"?
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