EMERGENCY INSTRUCTIONS

Photo borrowed from his website; I might have even taken a better one!

You know those dramas - or horrifyingly, sometimes a real-life story:  when the pilot passes out and someone in the flight tower guides the hapless passenger in landing the plane.....or the emergency surgery, performed in the wild with a rusty knife, by someone getting instructions from a doctor over a phone that cuts in and out....

That's been my last week.  I've strained and sweated to learn, to remember, to commit to heart the life-saving skills that I must use to save my Anastasia.  Grueling work. 

I spent last week - 30 hours of it, anyway, with Dan Hughes in Pennsylvania, at his "Beginning Training" for therapists using the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy model.  That phrase sounds difficult, but perhaps the "for dummies" version suggests that kids who missed proper parenting in their early months and years, missed out on learning how to process the things that happen to them in their lives. (Waaaaay simplified.)  As therapists, (and parents) our job is to, in a sense, replicate that mother/child interaction both to help the child process whatever loss and trauma they have experienced, and also to prepare them to make these connections on their own. 

Dan is knwn for his SPACE acronym, which helps you remember the key attitudes and approaches necessary: P - playfulness; A - Acceptance; C - curiosity; E - Empathy.  There are a whole bunch of  "S" - the most important, to my mind, being Safety. 

As a teacher the model also makes sense.  Not all children NEED it, but I think all kids can benefit from it.  Beginning with Safety.  Research has shown that people need a sense of safety in order to learn.  One of the things shown to decrease a sense of safety is evaluation.  (Kind of contrary to the atmostphere in a lot of classrooms - you think?)  In relation to my little Nastia, it means to not do the thing that might come most naturally to all of us who have been marinated in behaviorist theories, and desire to cement good behavior: don't say, "Good girl!"  "You were very sweet to clean your room."  etc. because any good evaluation, suggests that a bad evaluation might be right around the corner.  

Safety is also key to the parent/child relationship.  If your child does not feel you are keeping him/her safe, how can you be trusted?  And for children whose original parents failed to provide safety, it is even more important (and more difficult) to provide in the proper doses.  I think that for parents, and teachers, a part of providing safety, is keeping the stimulation at managable doses.  That's a challenge, for sure!

There were 23 therapists at the training - me, and two other moms. But we moms all slunk in under other auspices.  One mom is a therapeutic foster parent; the other, like me, has a ministry to parents in her pastor-husband's congregation.

Being around that many therapists was like being a child in a candy store. Initially, I had to work really hard to prevent myself from buttonholing them and asking "freebie" questions.  It wasn't long, however, before - watching that many therapists ask questions and do the activites - I realized there were only a limited number that I'd want to ask questions of! (And, consider - these are the therapists who sought out Dan Hughes!)  Odd.  Just goes to show what a crapshoot it is calling up someone whose name you find in the phone book, and paying big bucks for their "expertise". 

So, why did I "eliminate" them from my affordable-therapist-nearby imaginings?  Ignorant questions.  Weird affect.  Lack of affect. Clearly not "getting it".   Poor ability to perform in the role-plays.  etc.  But there were several who I very much wish lived in Lansing!  They don't, though. [insert sad face here]

I also just think that there are people who are gifted in this way, and those who are not.  I am not.  I'm NOT! [another sad face] I want to be, I strive....but this stuff doesn't come easy for me.  I see other moms, like Christine, who clearly received a touch of pixie dust.  Brilliant!  She would have stood out among all the therapists there (and not just because of her dreads, because she is gifted) even though she is "only" a mom.  Meanwhile there were quite a few therapists at this training who might have been trying mightily but could not escape their behavioral training and practice.

The most notable event in the training was my opportunity to "be" Anastasia in a role play with the master himself.  The role play was long - seemed like an entire therapy session, and in retrospect, because I was being Anastasia, and in her present really scary place, I offered an almost-too-challenging client.  However, a lot of the people thought that the mock session was helpful for them.  It certainly was for me.  For the first time, I really did begin to understand some of the convoluted, knotted-up, confused ideas crammed into that child's head, all held together by lack of trust and fear.  (Actually, the experience made me think there might be something to be said for drama-therapy....which probably exists, though I think I just made it up).

And, I got another example of the power of "the Method" (and in the hands of a non-professional).  One of the other moms, Kim, and I hit it off.  She came back to the hotel one night to wait for her husband to pick her up (which he only did at 11 p.m.), so we had quite a lot of time together.  She'd seen the mock session with "Anastasia" so she had some background.  As my faithful readers will recall, Anastasia had a very hard time with staying home when Craig and I went to Chicago in April, and an even harder time staying home when Sergei, Zhenya and I went to Virginia in June, so this time, like it or not, she had to come. (I'd foolishly promised that the next time I went someplace.....) So Craig had to come along as well, and he and Nastya were back at the hotel. 

Nastya took to Kim immediately and opened up from the first moment they began talking.  Kim has a challenging daughter Anastasia's age, so appreciated the practice (though in her non-professional judgement Anastasia is "really messed up")  This is a diagnosis Craig is hanging his hat on.  And no matter how many times I exclaim "Kim is a MOTHER, like me! NOT a therapist." he doesn't seem to believe it.  Perhaps that is because she is good.  She used the strategies we were being taught like a master (better than many of the professionals I role-played with, for sure.)  And they worked like a charm.  They worked so well, that Anastasia came back from their walk together, went to bed and a little later called me over to sleep with her!

There are a few other things worthy of mention, but I've noticed that my posts are a bit on the long side, so I'm signing off for now....