So, a couple of years ago, I joined a couple of yahoo groups for adoptive parents having problems. I've had this idea for a while. I was an active participant in one of them, in particular, trying to give some suggestions when parents begged for advice on issues that I'd already managed somehow, offering (or so I thought) encouragement, and linking to resources that have helped me. I admitted that my kids, not even Maxim, ever had some of more disturbing issues. No fire-starting. No pee-ing and pooping. No real-life sexual acting out. (There were a few unfortunate incidents on the internet.) With Maxim there was a fair share of violence, initially, and periodically since his adoption, Ilya has been a terror of destruction; we've lived through tantrums galore, and when it comes to theft, my dear M. set us back significantly. However.....no fire-starting and no peeing/pooping. God knew what I could handle. And, I fully believe with Heather Forbes that love never fails. It is not that affectionate, reciprocated love that we expect with children, it is hard and painful; it may not work quickly, granted, and it may not work the way you expect; it may require significant spiritual growth on the parents' part, and significant suffering, but it never fails entirely.
In any case, I am an inveterate optimist, and for that reason, I think, somehow the moderator of one of these groups really took a dislike to me. My optimistic outlook seemed to get under her skin. Meanwhile, to be quite honest, her negative one did the same to me. But, I thought I was always able to be gentle, and respectful, so I couldn't quite understand why, on her side she called me "self-satisfied" and "pompous" and all matter of unkind things. Fortunately, off the board a few people e-mailed me privately to thank me for my hopeful outlook, to tell me a suggestion had been helpful, etc. I rather wished they'd posted these positive comments publicly because the negative comments really hurt my feelings, to be frank. I tried to see the truth in what this woman said, and did begin to see that if someone's child presented problems that for whatever reason they were simply not prepared to face, then a positive "you can do it" voice, might indeed be an irritant. I tried to imagine my kids doing the peeing and pooping and the fire-starting. I don't know what I would have done. Anyway, she could have said that kindly - and not been rude!
I decided that this was not the right place for me and quit the group - or so I thought. But, oddly, after some time of not receiving their posts, suddenly a year ago in June, I was receiving them again, and a mom was posting about her Ukrainian son who was ....well, she made it sound as though he were killing her dogs. And yet, her posts were so convoluted and odd. I commented in some way, and surprise! She called me.
As we talked, the stories of "harm to the animals" fell apart. One dog had eaten a piece of gum with artificial flavoring which is poison to dogs, but she'd seen gum like that discarded on the street when walking another dog, she admitted. A cat had been fed with the "special" cat food - and not at the regular feeding time! And, she "really cares about" her animals! She couldn't have that! It sounded like this little guy was just being a normal little boy. Not even a particularly naughty little boy. After I asked some questions it turned out that he was guilty of things like being told to put his clothes away, and instead putting them under the bed. Like, playing with the cat, even when told not to. Like, being upset and running out to the yard and hiding in a tree. The mom wanted respite. I spoke to her as softly and compassionately as I could, and was about to ask Craig about to taking her son for the summer, when .... I hung up from a conversation with her; prayed about the situation; opened up my e-mail - and there was an e-mail from a friend here in the parish who has five daughters. It struck me that this would be the perfect place for this little boy (M). And, sure enough, this friend and her husband immediately agreed to having M. come to visit them. His family brought him up and dropped him off the very next day without any homestudy or other exploration of the situation. They gave the family something like fifty dollars and disappeared for the rest of the summer. After a few phone calls from M to his folks, they told my friend that they didn't think the calls were a good idea. They'd talk to my friend and her husband, though, and once agreed to send his soccer shoes and the fee for soccer camp, but that was it.
Since I'd initially communicated with the mom, one day after we'd had M out swimming with us, I sent her some photos of him having a dandy time, and e-mailed that he was doing great, very happy. Instead of the relieved response I expected, I got one that sounded just as though the moderator of that group had written it - saying I was a self-satisfied piece of work who apparently thought I could parent better than anyone else in the world. I was mortified! It felt like I'd been hit in the stomach. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I looked at my e-mail to her again - I'd said nothing to generate a response like that! I didn't even mention myself, really, just that M enjoyed time with my boys and we enjoyed him; he was doing well with his respite family and I hoped she was having a restful summer. But, I licked my wounds, and I certainly didn't write to her again!
While his adoptive family had spoken of respite care for the summer, making the situation permanent had been mentioned. When September was approaching my friend and her husband had come to the decision that though they really loved this little boy, because they had a daughter the same age, they weren't entirely comfortable with adopting him. Their year of homeschooling was beginning and they felt maybe it was time for M to go home. But, his family kept finding excuses not to come for him. Because I'd "placed" him, so to speak, I felt it was on me to find him another home. We'd spent quite a bit of time with him in the summer but I didn't think there was any way this woman would want him with me! (And I certainly didn't wish to communicate with her further.) So our house was not the place; however I thought of another possibility for this little guy. And it worked out! The pastor at the school where I taught, took him. And, there too, he fit in beautifully. (He was transferred from one family to the other, without benefit of parents, by the way - just phone and e-mail.) School began and M was in Zhenya's class. M did great in that small, safe environment, and in his big rollicking family. The pastor and his wife not only have eight kids of their own, six still at home, but were hosting two exchange students. And, their home was a general meeting place for all the secondary students. Lively, healthy, and cheerful. M was happy; you could see it in his face. The Pastor and his wife decided to ask about adopting him.
And suddenly, it was over. M was whisked away in the course of a couple of days. The pastor's wife was heartsick, obviously. Apparently, M had expressed his desire to stay; and somehow that and the pastor's wife assuring his mother that M was wonderful in every way - not problems whatsoever.....was offensive. I can only suppose that it made "mom" feel inadequate, criticized. She wrote to the pastor's wife very much in the same way she'd written to me. If M was happy, apparently, and not a "problem", she found it offensive.
Then this week I heard from my first friend - the one with the daughters who originally did the respite - his family wants to drop off M once again.....and wouldn't my friends really like to keep him? Well, they do care deeply for him, and their daughters love him, and ask for him; the parents agonized over it, but their concerns remain. While I have read that the taboo against sexualized sibling relationships seems to easily slip into place with adopted siblings, I didn't feel like I wanted to urge them to do anything against their instincts. The pastor's wife was called next (to their surprise) by "mom". Apparently, these folks are desperate. But these friends are also rightly fearful of getting involved with these crazy people again. And, I can understand that fear, too. When people behave so erratically, and can sound so vindictive - with no cause - there is no telling what they might do the next time. And M's disappearance last fall was hard on their children.
Meanwhile, this poor little boy is living in an environment where he is not loved (admittedly).
Frankly, my feelings, and those of these friends have been so wrung out over this that I almost feel I don't have the heart to meddle any more! I tried to help, was insulted, and now have put two families into the throes of emotional distress over this little boy. I wonder if more harm was done than good.
But......the plight of that little guy haunts me. I do have another family in mind.....who might like to take M. Do I call them?
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