We missed the last Russian Club meeting. Ordinarily we meet at my church, in the gym. Last time the get-together was at the home of the woman who called the police after finding Anastasia walking on the street. I am sure Anastasia feels humiliation seeing these people (as do I!). But you can't hide from these things. I was glad Anastasia seemed willing to go to Russian Club, but when we passed by the road to the church, she wondered where we were going, and finding out it was this particular house, she began to talk in a way that made me realize this was not a good idea. (This is the same house, by the way, from which she ran away during the birthday party last year.) Anastasia can bear being with these people in her space, I realized - but in their home it is too much.
This week we all met for a picnic at the lake. I could see that it was a little bit difficult for her just seeing these folks, and I can certainly relate to that! I am thoroughly embarrassed in front of all of these people, honestly. Some trauma mamas seem to think that all adopted children have attachment issues. Well, they don't. In our group of probably 15 kids who are presently involved, or who have been involved, only Anastasia is "issue-laden". As a result, no one "gets" it. Yet, I think that in some ways because by definition we are always touching on her adoption/loss issues when we are with this group of friends, they've seen her worst behavior. But, they expect me to do "typical" parenting. So, I am usually, a) horrified by her behavior and b) humiliated because I know the other parents think my inadequate parenting is the cause of it.
So, on Friday I could see her struggling (which presents itself as snappish and snide), but she used good judgement and wandered down to the lake. However, there she was presented with another trigger - two girls from school. The girls were my students and wanted to say "Hi" to me, so she brought them up. Now, how do I know they triggered her? Because I happened to be taking a phone call when they returned and she interrupted my conversation, when I didn't turn around immediately, by hitting me in the back. One of the other mothers chastised her "Don't you hit your mother!" and tried to grab her arm. Fortunately, I was able to get up and defuse that situation. Being touched has become very difficult for her. Even laying a gentle hand on her shoulder makes her shy away like a wild animal, so her teeth were bared on this one.
On Saturday, we drove to Troy (a hour or so) to see pretty much the same people who'd been at the Russian Club gathering - and for another picnic - except that Dana, the agency head was there, of course, and I always love seeing her. And there are always potential adoptive families there to encourage - as well as lot of people we don't know....those who have adopted from other countries, and domestically. Unfortunately, apart from her friends of the previous evening, there weren't any old friends or new people to meet and she was prompted to remember some things that upset her. Sasha, an older girl we know and love, who went through a disruption, is usally there, but wasn't this year, and I think that was disturbing. I did get to talking to a couple of people interested in adoption, yet all the while I had to look nervously around, hoping Anastasia wouldn't utter one of her shocking statements in front of them... (As in, "Where's Dana? I want to talk to her about getting a new family." She said that loudly in front of our usual circle of acquaintances.....Sheesh.)
The best part of the day for all of us was our trip to the "Russian Store" afterwards, where we spent an entire week's worth of grocery money on Russian tea, pastries, black sunflower seeds, smoked cheese - all the kids' favorites. We brought a cooler and filled it with ice, so we could bring home some of this:
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