Now her snide, nasty comments and expression puts everyone in a bad humor. I know that in some way she is trying to take control by controlling everyone's moods. I'm pretty good at ignoring her and not letting her get to me. I try to find opportunities when she is able to listen to me to name her behavior, name the reason for the behavior and the underlying need/motivation, just as the counselor advised me. i.e. Anastasia, I notice you using a lot of swear words lately. I bet you are doing that to make me angry. If you can control my feelings, then you'll feel safer. I guess you must want to do that because so many things in your life are out of control lately.
If she argues that that is not what she's doing at all (!) I am supposed to say, "Oh, well, I only know that if my teacher had abandoned ME in the middle of the year, and I had to go into a class where my own mom was spending all her time with other kids, and I had to take 8th grade math even though I hadn't finished 6th grade math - well, I'd feel out of control! I'd want to do whatever I could to feel in control of something!"
But, I must have been right on, because rather than arguing, she brought up school and how unfair it was for her to get a bad grade in math when she was working as hard as she could. So we ended up having a civil conversation for maybe a minute or two. Until she remembered that I went on vacation and left her! And,that whole anger issue was triggered because a boy she barely knows went to camp for a week, and did not come back when he said he would! (Another abandonment.....it's everywhere.)
When I last dropped the Anastasia Saga, I was going to take her to Chicago to House Calls Counseling - a whole practice devoted to attachment and trauma. They are wonderful!!!! I can't say that enough, however, we are a bit over four hours from their office. To justify it, Billy [Kaplan- who heads the practice] was ready to set aside three hours for us. Isn't that amazing? Still, short of time and money, spending $50 in gas and an entire day a couple of times a month.....it seemed a bit too crazy. Especially as another mom who was at ths Parenting in SPACE Conference told me about an attachment therapist in Grand Rapids, just a bit over an hour away.
Anastasia went obligingly with me to Chicago, and though she wrote out answers to questions which Billy gave her, she refused to speak to him. She went along without complaint the first time we visited Families Forever in GR. However, I could see things were not going to go much better when Mr. Ellis asked her to put a pin in a big map to show where she is from, and she refused to do it. Then she refused to talk to him. I was about to lose it. I was so stressed out - in part because we'd hit construction and a detour and I was so afraid we'd be late, but also out of sheer desperation, to be honest. I picked up a soft, fabric ball to kneed and get my stress out. I'd laid a second soft ball on the couch between us. At some point, Anastasia picked up that ball, and turned toward me; I could tell she was going to throw it, and at my face and for some bizarre reason, I threw first; I had some idea that we'd be throwing them simultaneously, but she'd hesitated a moment. Though it didn't hurt her at all, my throwing the ball probably embarrassed her and it definitely took her control away - she wanted to embarrass me! She stood up in a fury and stormed out. I was just devastated, as you can imagine. Mr. Ellis assured me that it wasn't really my fault; she was just looking for an excuse to do that. I am sure that's true, but it made me feel like such a complete loser anyway. Fail! (As Sergei would say.) At the end of the session, Mr. Ellis walked out to say something pleasant to her, and she saw us coming and closed the windows and locked the doors.
So I've been going now every week for a month, and she won't come. So, I'm just trying to learn how to work with her, and I think Mr. Ellis is wonderful. But it sure looks like a long way out of this valley we're in.
I am excited about some upcoming training!!! I am signed up for a two-day Conscious Discipline workshop in northern Michigan later this month. Essie just loves this approach! (Not.) So, I figure if I don't get anything out of it, at least I can make fun of it with her.
And - TA-DA!!!!!! In August I am signed up for the training with Dan Hughes, himself! I'm beyond excited about that!
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