I have long realized that it is the "correction" piece that is the most difficult for me in parenting some of my children. God made me compassionate; and somewhere along the line I realized that I resonate with the quote I read somewhere "To understand everything is to forgive everything." And, for me to forgive is automatically to forget. I can forget a child's (or anyone's) wrong-doing faster than the blink of an eye.
For example, a child will misbehave or disobey and I will give a consequence.... a likely example might be someone staying on the computer after being told to get off at a certain time. I'll say that the next day they will lose their time.....but sure as sure, the next day I may have a vague memory that someone needed to be off the computer for some reason...but I can't recall who or why. It is awful. I recognize this trait as a blessing in many ways (I certainly can't hold a grudge!) but it isn't always.
And, in more complex situations, once I understand, and give instruction, I don't ever feel able to give any sort of consequence.... I'm never sure whether I ought to or not. Here is a recent example.....Anastasia has a couple of assignments she should complete to finish the school year. She has been under an enormous amount of stress over some very serious issues, and is suffering more than I even knew. I am learning that she tends to work very hard not to share things that are painful. So one afternoon I mentioned that she needed to finish the report and she said, "It's not happening!" I addressed that by keeping my cool and saying that it sounded to me like she was upset about it, and I said a few things to make the assignment seem do-able and said that sometimes having something to look forward to after a big effort could help motivate you. So I offered a reward when she was done (new headphones since her present ones had stopped working.) I deliberately left that conversation sort-of open-ended....I didn't sense that I could force her to make a specific plan without stressing her out too much.
But, the next day she mentioned needing headphones and I cheerfully quipped that they were "on the way with the speed of a term paper." Instead of thinking this amusing, she melted down in a way she hasn't in a long, long time - taking the mail and throwing it all over the driveway, even tearing a letter in two. I was heading out at that moment with another child, and was REALLY glad to continue driving!
Later that day, when she was regulated again... I brought up the term paper and her reaction to my mentioning it. She immediately (instantaneously!) became disregulated and I could see her looking around for something to destroy. I quipped, "Oh, let me get you some mail!" I could see that she momentarily saw the humor and with that, her anger left but she burst into tears. Crying is very rare for her. And she revealed how overwhelmed she is. It became clear to me that doing this paper may well be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and really... in the scheme of things, it can be dismissed. So, I talked about her feelings, and how much better it might be to TALK to me, rather than snap and be defiant...how not everyone is going to be able to see through the defiance to something deeper, etc. Then we talked about the underlying issues.
It was good, and later addressed in therapy....but I feel like maybe I didn't do my motherly duty in a) allowing her to go "unpunished" for being defiant, and b) allowing her not to do the paper.
From her brothers' point of view, I let her "get away" with things and am "too soft".
So, what do you think?
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