So, they want to provide "the whole, unvarnished truth"? From their point of view? But, I would argue that their point of view might not be "truth". Exactly. Their truth, maybe, but not everyone's.
I am glad and relieved that I didn't get that "talking to". If we hadn't first met Sergei in a hosting program, and all Craig had heard was the negatives, I'd be a sad woman today with an empty house. Men are not so ready to adopt, generally.....I wouldn't even be surprised if there wasn't some sort of biological thing working that makes men not-so-ready to father another man's progeny. And often, I have the feeling, men agree to please their wives. Any little bit of information against the enterprise is going to be added to the dad's "con" list.
Had my husband had a clue about how difficult things could be he would have put his foot down. Yet, I cannot - CANNOT - imagine life without my children, every one of them. I don't think he can, either. When we first thought of adopting, Craig had had quite a career in child welfare - fifteen-some years working in youth homes, etc. He knew "too much" to want to adopt from foster care. In our state, especially at that time "family reunification" was all the rage, and by the time children were approved for adoption they'd been pretty well formed by the neglect and abuse in their unfit homes. Years of it.
What we didn't realize is that many internationally adopted children have endured similar traumatic pasts....and we certainly didn't understand (well, few did then) the critical importance of being nurtured in those first three years. But, not all adoptees had hard beginnings.
Sergei and Zhenya, and Ilya got the love they needed as babies. They are balanced, loving, kind, thoughtful people without the "issues" that some people seem to presume "come with" all adopted children. The stories that trauma mamas tell have little to do with them. But somehow that word "adopted" is like a magnet that seems to attract everyone's fears.
Having worked with families throughout my career as teacher and religious educator, I have seen many troubled, challenging and disabled children, with hosts of letters attributed to them.....I've seen parents weeping with despair over their beloved child's behavior, or lack of ability.... yet, if a stranger shared with one of these these moms that she was pregnant, whoever would expect these moms to "tell it like it is"? Probably because if there are problems with a biological child, the "fault" is laid at the foot of the parents. Adoptive parents can come off as heroic and patient and loving and so forth. Well, when I'm down, those accolades don't hurt....but in my heart I feel so sorry for the bioparents who not only endure the same embarrassment, humiliation, pain and sense of helplessness, but also have to feel responsibility - either through genes or poor parenting, for their child being a drug user, violent, or a bully, a hopeless student, or a cheat, or whatever.....
So, when someone tells me they are going to adopt - I am as thrilled for them as I am for the mom who tells me she is pregnant. I like to expect the best, then deal with anything else. And, too - a list of "behaviors" or "symptoms" are pretty unappealing - when they are associated with a person you love, well - it is something else, again.
On the other hand.... I can't help but think that there are people out there who really shouldn't adopt. Perhaps they don't have the self-control or the self-knowledge; maybe they don't have the flexibility, maybe they feel the need to be loved, or have an "ulterior motive" (however good) of saving a soul. I read somewhere that one of the little red flags for disruption is the primary goal of wanting to bring the child to Jesus. Perhaps, with that worthy motive foremost, these people can't understand that some children who experienced early trauma CANNOT easily trust - they can't even trust the person they see, let alone the God they don't see. And they've never known LOVE, so they don't know HIM, and that takes time, and the most self-sacificing kind of love on the part of the parents.
And, then there are those folks who expect the child to be grateful (ha-ha-ha!) Adopted children are generally no more grateful than bio children....and no more grateful than most of us are to our Heavenly Father. I have to admit that supplication takes a far greater proportion of my prayer time than thanks and praise..... yet, we expect our children to "Stop asking for things!" We want them to be satisfied, and to be thankful, too. Has God ever snapped at me, "Stop asking for things!" I guess not (or maybe I was too busy whining to hear Him).
Marriages end in divorce. Jobs we pray for can turn into traps we long to escape. Houses can feel like money-pits instead of cozy homes. Children do not always live up to our dreams for them. Adoption can be difficult. And, while we might be tempted to give some loving advice, or share what we've learned through our own experience (if asked), usually I think we should share others' joyful anticipation and keep our own counsel.... We do not know what God has in store for them.
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